Who are we?
Growing up is hard. Bad influences can come from many sources including parents, bullies, marketing, and neglect. That innocent baby is thrust into the world that isn’t innocent. Those negative influences can survive into adulthood, creating a belief of “self-defectiveness.” How we think affects how we feel, and how we feel affects how we act. If we aren’t careful we may create a self-fulfilling prophecy guiding our choices.
For example a person may make poor choices and feel sorry for themselves, which is painful. Then they can try to get rid of that pain by making more poor choices to relieve it with some addiction. Those poor choices reinforce those negative beliefs about oneself, increasing the stress that has to be medicated away. This cycle can repeat until it feels addictive and comfortable.
Identity
The problem with familiar comfortable thinking patterns is that we can identify with them. Because doing things that are uncomfortable is hard, we think we can’t change habits. These habit impulses often return, and interfere with our goals making that identity an obstacle. What makes it harder is that fighting with these thoughts can condition them to return with more frequency, like a tape loop. Our habitual impulses are commanding and want a release. Eventually habitual Thoughts and Impulses feel like a fixed identity for us.
Bad
As people start labeling you as bad, we can take in all those guilty shameful thoughts as an external validation that change is not possible. It becomes a damaging form of introjection. This happens when we take parts of the environment and people’s opinions into our thinking and habits. So what are some of the methods of change that are available to us from psychology and religions?
Identity and human needs
Analyzing why there are these desires in the first place is a good start. A lot of desires are related to our biological needs. We all have the same needs but our identity is based on the different ways we get them satisfied. By expanding our choices on how we get our needs met, we can expand our identity choices at the same time. To see our habit impulses, meditation becomes a good tool for us to actually feel the current identity.
1. Explore new identities with meditation
Look at identity as your methods and habits to get your human needs satisfied, and any changes in habits as a form of dis-identification and re-identification. For example, if you just concentrate on the breath consistently and notice the impulses interrupting you, you can sense these impulses the same way as you look at objects outside your body. You don’t move to try to stop them or act on them. This is just more identification. Let those impulses ripple through your body and vanish.
When you don’t manipulate the impulses the brain clicks and dis-identifies. See: Improving Concentration: https://rumble.com/v1gqxct-improving-concentration.html This happens because impulses feel like a command, because of its familiar comfortable feeling. When you watch the command, the sense of you moves to the watcher and the impulse looks alien, and you dis-identify. If an impulse happens, and you are not conscious, then you identify again because the automatic brain tends to act on its own when it’s not being watched. For example, you can think of all the unconscious actions for using electronic devices, or just going to the refrigerator.
The goal would be to continually use concentration to watch and dis-identify with habitual thoughts and impulses, and then use move your intention to create new habits to re-identify with something else. Our automatic brain needs the executive brain to train it. The difficulty is in the beginning when impulses are so strong. It requires waiting longer for the impulses to naturally go away, until you feel safe again. That’s why people fall off the wagon a lot in fighting addictions in the beginning, and then get a handle on it later on. When you feel the impulse is gone, then it’s easier to use the next practice to do something more skillful.
2. Right Energy
In Buddhism there is term called Skillfulness, which makes behaviour more non-judgmental. Things are either skillful or unskillful. We are supposed to interrupt our own thoughts to let go of unskillfulness, prevent unskillfulness from arising, cultivate skillfulness, and maintain skillfulness. We have to go straight to our brains and weed it like a garden. Over time, the bad habits will weaken and the good habits will strengthen. Ultimately this means getting out of rumination, and taking new actions again and again. If something is wrong, then create some skillfulness right now. This becomes a virtuous circle as we become conditioned to like the right things. The right things start feeling comfortable. Like in a meditation, your mind wanders a lot in the beginning and then if you keep at it, the mind relaxes into the meditation and stops resisting it. As you keep developing this momentum, the momentum can be a catalyst for a new habit. This is especially true if it satisfies your human needs.
3. Extinction
As we try to maintain skillfulness, there is often a need to remove the illusion of happiness from things that aren’t good for us. Many experiences we liked or disliked in the past had happiness beliefs that were too shallow and ignored a lot of important details. Noticing more detail of our addictions or phobias reveals that we can overrate or underrate experiences. When we expose ourselves to these old influences and look at more detail it makes these experiences less mysterious and we can weigh the pros and cons much better. The bad kind of marketing in life happens when the product or service advertises more than it delivers. See again: Improving Concentration: https://rumble.com/v1gqxct-improving-concentration.html
4. Influences from culture
As we begin to dis-identify from old habits, we can dis-identify even more by looking at our original influences. When we were born we entered a culture, and we learn everything from that culture. As you meditate, try and see if you can remember where your influences came from. It could have been family, friends, school, and pop culture. If you didn’t invent this culture you don’t have to identify with the bad aspects of it.
Hypocrisy
Another important aspect is comparing ourselves with others and all the hypocrisy, blame and shame that goes on. We have to remind ourselves that because we all have needs and have different levels of control over our impulses, we can fall in to hypocrisy and shame when we accuse others of what we have done ourselves. We have to be aware that we are good at finding other people’s mistakes but ignore our own.
“You hypocrite! First remove the beam from your own eye, and then you will see clearly enough to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Matthew 7:5
Projection
In psychology this cultural blame is a form of projection, where we take things we have done and project them onto others by unconsciously recognizing aspects of ourselves in others. “It takes one to know one,” as the saying goes. For example if we go through a problem and get through it, but then if enough time passes, we may forget that we struggled with this problem. Then if we criticize others for the same problem we may feel more superior than we actually are, simply because of our forgetfulness. It may take effort for us to remember we did the same thing before and moved past it. There’s also the problem of the environment. People criticize but if they were in the same environment they might do the same thing. Criticizing people for not meeting standards is easier than meeting standards yourself.
Introjection
On the flip side of the coin, if the person criticized is unaware that there is a projection happening, they may unconsciously introject a feeling of inferiority from others, and identify with those habits. How this last part works is simply because habits are comfortable. We feel the pull like a leaning in the mind of our weakness, and may think that the person criticizing has no weaknesses either. Our culture can reinforce these bad habits in just this way. Putting celebrities on pedestals and ignoring everyone else, disguises the similarities we have.
Pedestals
People either feel more special or more worthless than they really are. We need to remember we are not our old identity if we have new habits. Any personal growth can puncture the bubble of old identities, no matter what others say of you. If you can actually see the improvement, then at least you know that your identity changed, even if others don’t recognize it right away. You can stop identifying with what is thrown at you from society and guide your identification instead. Mistakes will happen, but you don’t have to put others on a pedestal and put yourself down. Deep down you should know others have just as many struggles, but hide it really well by wearing nice clothing, and displaying nice manners.
Personal Power
When people point out our transgressions we can unconsciously give our power away to others by thinking they are more moral than us and lose sight of our goals and make others the goal. Some of these people are toxic and feed off of your shame, but have little shame themselves. These people have problems of their own. When we try to improve ourselves, we can remind ourselves that we are not doing it to get attention from others. We are doing it because it’s good for ourselves and society. This way we don’t have to react to others as much, including parents who often have no motivational skills whatsoever, and may demotivate you instead.
Impostor Syndrome
Toxic people want to point out what you did wrong often because of envy and competition. This is where that Imposter Syndrome enters the picture. We know we aren’t perfect and don’t feel worthy. Anticipating toxic criticism from others can shut us down. Realizing that it’s hard for everyone can help. Any criticism should only be taken in if it allows you to improve yourself. Imposter Syndrome is bad because it means your belief system is that you can’t improve, and many people will want you to stay that way so they can control you.
Of course this has been true forever as we can see in the Bible:
Psalm 41:6 When someone comes to visit, he pretends to be friendly; he thinks of ways to defame me, and when he leaves he slanders me.
Psalm 12:2 Neighbors lie to each other, speaking with flattering lips and deceitful hearts.
Proverbs 11:9 With his mouth the godless man would destroy his neighbor, but by knowledge the righteous are delivered.
Psalm 37:7 Be still in the presence of the LORD, and wait patiently for him to act. Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes.
Keep your motivations for yourself. You don’t need their approval, since they most likely have their own problems, and many of those problems are just envy. Chasing approval is dangerous. Toxic people may not even give you their approval because they enjoy feeding off your doubts. As they hook you, none of your good behaviours will be good enough. Keep your improvements for yourself, for society and if your religious, for your God. The toxic person is not your God, even if they pretend they are. You can also focus on real value that you create that can be verified by others.
5. Intrinsic and Extrinsic motivation
Why are somethings so juicy and motivating, and others are stressful and demotivating? Going back to our parenting we can see the difficulty of getting kids to develop and have habits stick. Why parenting is so difficult is that parents often mold their kids, without giving some freedom for them to develop themselves at a pace that is right for them. See: The False Self: https://rumble.com/v1gth6h-the-false-self-various-authors-narcissism-2-of-4.html
Extrinsic motivation
As an adult we can train ourselves at our own pace. In the science of intrinsic and extrinsic motivation, extrinsic motivation is based on external rewards and punishments. The problem with this motivation is that it only exists if the rewards and punishments are constantly there. As soon as they are withdrawn people tend to let go of those habits over time. This is because those external rewards and punishments are based on satisfying other people’s needs more than your own needs.
Intrinsic motivation
With intrinsic motivation, there is an element of choice where people can guide themselves, and people usually will guide themselves with what satisfies their needs, what they can achieve with their skills, and then connect with people who support that. This way you create your own identity, and this identity fulfills your needs. This is authentic change. Even if you can’t always guide your choices you can follow healthy external motivations because you think they are important.
Summary
- Explore new identities with meditation
- Drop unskillfulness, and cultivate skillfullness
- Expose ourselves to the phobias and addictions without acting on impulses
- Challenge cultural influences
- Start guiding some of your goals for yourself
These five methods are just the beginning of understanding identity and as I explore more books there will be many other theories that can add to our knowledge of identity, stigma and change.
As always, take these tips and consult your mental health professional for any other personal requirements you need.
The handbook of self and identity 1st edition by Mark R. Leary, June Price Tangney: https://www.isbns.net/isbn/9781593852375/
White bears and other unwanted thoughts by Daniel Wegner: https://www.isbns.net/isbn/9780898622232/
Mind over mood 1st edition by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky: https://www.isbns.net/isbn/9780898621280/
Projection, Identification, Projective Identification: https://www.isbns.net/isbn/9780946439409/
Projective and Introjective Identification and the Use of the Therapist’s Self 1st Edition: https://www.isbns.net/isbn/9780876685303/
Why we do what we do by Edward Deci: https://www.isbns.net/isbn/9780140255263/
Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi: https://www.isbns.net/isbn/9780061339202/
Working with thought in meditation – Rob Burbea: http://www.dharmaseed.org/teacher/210/talk/10835/
Identifying Weeds – Thanissaro Bhikkhu: https://www.dhammatalks.org/Archive/y2006/060511%20Identifying%20Weeds.mp3
There are some Wikipedia resources that can also add to your research:
Extinction
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extinction_(psychology)
Self-defeating Personality Disorder
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-defeating_personality_disorder
What are unwanted intrusive thoughts?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intrusive_thought
Quick tips: https://psychreviews.org/category/quicktips/