Composite view of Victims
I briefly did some distress line volunteering for over a year and learned a lot about the cycle of abuse and its characteristic pattern. It typically involves a lot of rewards and punishments that are used to control the victim. When something becomes a concept in psychology it can lose a lot of life and seem unreal. I decided to interview some victims of narcissistic abuse from a domestic violence group to hear their perspectives. To protect the victim’s identities I made a composite character as an interview subject.
Future installment?
No men decided to join, yet there’s plenty of psychological evidence that women can be crafty dangerous abusers as well as men, but it’s not easy for men to tell their stories out of sheer embarrassment. Men are not supposed to show weakness.
Despite the challenge of melding different people together, I found that the patterns they exhibited to be quite similar. There was only one stark difference, and that was how it ended for each victim. Some had a happy ending and others were stuck in an earlier stage of the healing process.
Victims of Narcissistic Abuse
For now just imagine that, this composite woman interviewee is middle aged, and sitting in her living room. Her current husband moves to the kitchen to wash the dishes but breaks off once in a while to listen into our interview, with a look of concern on his face.
How did you meet your ex?
We met online. I didn’t think much of him at the time. We would casually talk every couple of months. Then it got more frequent.
What did you like about him?
He was so alluring, different and mysterious. We seemed to have so much chemistry. When we met in real life it was this crazy attraction. He was saving me from my life and I was saving him from his failed marriage. He seemed so into my emotions, and we never fought at first.
How did he eventually hurt you?
In so many ways. He wasn’t what he said he was. He rushed me to get married, and have a child. After the child he was already cheating on me, though I didn’t know that at the time. The business trips he went on were really with his new girlfriend, going on vacations.
Looking back now, I can see some red flags. What was strange was that his caring style of listening and validating my emotions, gave way to something else. I noticed that he would hear me say something and then take it as if it was his own thoughts. He was also into porn and would want me to re-enact some twisted stuff I didn’t want to do. He became more imitative, like an actor. That’s what it was! He was acting or faking in some way.
For example, his business was in a shambles but he kept spending and acting like he was a tycoon. If I brought up any weaknesses he would rage at me. He would create jealousy by disappearing and spending time with his kids without notice if I criticized him. It only became quieter when I didn’t argue and believed his stories.
As time went on in our marriage, his behaviour got worse.
Like if things got bad at his work, he would criticize me endlessly. Nothing was ever good enough. Once in a while there was a lull in the abuse, but then it would get more insane. Those good periods at the beginning were long gone after our 2nd child was born. He especially wanted to provoke me to rage and fight. He seemed to like fighting, but when I didn’t react he would provoke me more, until I did react.
I would complain to his mother about the abuse and she said “just let him do what he wants.” She always took his side and he could do no wrong. She was basking in his aura of success and confidence, but he was just acting. In a lot of ways she was like him. They wanted to live in this story that wasn’t real.
I think in the end he never loved me. The love I gave came back less and less. His love would only show up if he needed something or wanted me to do something, and sometimes not even then.
How did you escape?
It took a long time to fully get out. When I was complaining to friends and seeing a counsellor, he was able to hack my phone and read my texts. He would often say cryptic things, like talking about situations that only I knew and my friends knew. Then I would feel guilty and stop communication with my friends and counsellor.
When I finally got out of there, I needed a police escort to get my things out. After a year I found out he was stalking my new apartment.
How did you find out?
My tires were slashed. I kept moving until he couldn’t find me.
It was so hard to trust again. When I met my current husband, I didn’t trust him. He stuck with me and got me counselling and helped me see my own value. I used to get so many panic attacks. I thought they were heart attacks.
I didn’t know what to do when I first left. At that time I didn’t want to get married again…ever! I was barely working and it was hard to get out of bed. The world looked so cruel. I couldn’t get my ex out of my head. I would see things that reminded me of him, and I started to miss him.
I followed his Facebook account and got livid over his new conquest. I was so jealous, thinking their life was so much better. We never went on vacation, and he went to all the places I wanted to see with his other girlfriend. All those photos of them looked so happy. I know now that he was just playing her like he did me, but back then I felt like I was in hell.
How are you doing now?
With my current husband I feel comfortable and safe. My self-esteem is still a problem at times, but it’s much better than it was when I first escaped. I feel ashamed because when I found out that my ex was cheating, I also started cheating. I treated some of my old friends badly when they looked concerned and were getting into my business.
Right now I’m doing some of the things I always used to do before my ex. It’s like I’m getting my life back, but I won’t get back those years I lost with him. As bad as that experience was, I learned a lot about myself that I wouldn’t have learned. It’s a hard form of learning, but I know the value of good relationships. I know it’s okay to be alone for a time to heal before getting out there again. It’s so easy to find another toxic relationship, but it’s also easy to stay too isolated.
I lost a lot of mutual friends, but I was able to repair things with some of my old friends. A lot of his friends believed all the lies he told about me. He took his cheating, turned it around, and said that I was the cheater. With all of his abuse I eventually had some cheating relationships with others, but none of them were serious. Today I have custody of my children and they give me a lot of focus. Only my current husband was responsible enough to be trusted with my kids.
How did you get out of your isolation?
I started seeing my old girlfriends again. They were busy with their families but we would still get together once in a while. When I was with my ex, I wasn’t allowed to see them. I found my current husband from a friend of a friend. He wasn’t as alluring and mysterious as my ex, but it was more normal. We had our differences and could accept them. He doesn’t have a flashy job, or lots of status, but I like it this way. Like I said, I feel comfortable with him. I’m not walking on eggshells.
Psychology: https://psychreviews.org/category/psychology01/