Marriage and Divorce
To keep things neat and tidy, this will be a reference post on marriage and divorce as other episodes bump into this topic. There are many factors involved in successful marriages. Even if a person’s environment and circumstances line up with failed marriages, these situations aren’t a 100% chance, so there are behaviors that people can follow, in terms of their expectations, stress management methods, and changes they adopt to improve their odds of being in a happy marriage.
Divorce rates in the modern world hover between 35 to 50%, and a big part of how you spend your day working is one major factor. Statistician Nathan Yau found general trends of “rates higher for the unemployed than employed. Divorce among Asians tends to be much lower than other races. Rates change a lot by education level.” Some of the highest divorce rates based on profession were late-night workers like Gaming Managers and Bartenders, and those who have to do considerable travel for work. As you would expect, income is a factor in divorce. Some of the highest rates are for low paying jobs like Telemarketers, Artists, Cashiers, and many Administrative and Support workers in the professional world who aren’t quite at the managerial level yet. “Those in transportation and material moving, such as flight attendants and bus drivers, tend to have higher divorce rates. Those in architecture and engineering tend to have lower divorce rates.” Actuaries, who are risk management professionals, managed to do the best along with many medical professionals. Maybe they know how to manage risk in their relationships as well? The lowest earning professions, that still had the best marriage rates, tended to be clergy who were allowed to marry, and affiliated professions related to religions or those teaching religious doctrines. As you would expect, gaining spiritual pleasure, by enjoying meditation and appreciating the value of mental peace, with harmonious relationships, is a healthy counterpressure against the drive for ever more money and status.
Divorce and occupation – Nathan Yau: https://flowingdata.com/2017/07/25/divorce-and-occupation/
A Closer Look at the Jobs with the Highest and Lowest Divorce Rates – Institute for Family Studies: https://ifstudies.org/blog/a-closer-look-at-the-jobs-with-the-highest-and-lowest-divorce-rates
Many intimate relationships are complimentary in their work differences, but there is some overlap where people find love at work. Of course, these are not people who are competing directly with each other, but they are understanding when their partner has to do considerable overtime and/or suffer industry specific workplace pressures. They also can “talk shop” without feeling like the other partner has alien preferences. Shared long-term goals create long-term marriages. Priceonomics recently analyzed census data to find married people with common vocations, and found that “people in farming, education, healthcare and law seem unusually drawn to each other. This may be attributed to the mission driven and/or time consuming nature of these professions: those with similar interest or schedules seem to mesh especially well.” On the other hand, when marriages have complimentary dynamics, it’s because each partner appreciates and values the expertise of the other while still sharing important goals.
While some jobs have masculine or feminine balances, there is still quite a bit of overlap. “The likelihood of marrying within your profession varies substantially by gender. For instance, Construction couples are relatively unlikely because there are so few women in this occupation group, but for women in Construction the probability of having a husband who works in construction is extremely high. If both members of the couple work, nearly 40% of women who have a job in Construction are married to a man in construction.” On the other hand, men are outnumbered in an advantageous way in some Education subgroups. “Primarily teachers and librarians are 77% female, yet still this occupational group is in the top five [of people with the same profession who marry each other].” Naturally, people in these industries who are fighting for scarce members of the opposite sex have to keep in mind how much potential conflict there is when competing for a partner in these environments.
What Professions Are Most Likely To Marry Each Other? Priceonomics: https://priceonomics.com/what-professions-are-most-likely-to-marry-each/
Now a lot of people marry younger, so they are instead finding partners in college and university. Some similar patterns appear, but people have to realize that many partners will not work in the profession that they are getting an education in. Since we are not measuring income, one can still see that “Theology and Religious Vocations majors sit at the very top of the list. This may be because of how influential religious beliefs can be on compatibility, and, for many, how tied they are to the institution of marriage.” Linking into high income education targets, Science, Technology, Engineering, and Health Care are leading choices. Music also rated highly since it’s a profession that lines up schedules well when both are working evenings and have free days. Having similar values connects with compatible goals and schedules being lined up properly reduces conflict.
What College Majors Are Most Likely to Marry Each Other? Priceonomics: https://priceonomics.com/what-college-majors-are-most-likely-to-marry-each/
Personality
Now these are external environments, but personality has to be the major factor in determining healthy relationships. O’Meara and South used the Big Five personality model and found that “low Neuroticism, high Agreeableness, high Conscientiousness, and high Extraversion were associated with higher levels of relationship satisfaction.” Neuroticism is about the levels of negative emotions. Agreeableness has to do with flexibility and social harmony. Conscientiousness is about goal persistence. Extraversion has to do with being outgoing, sociable, expressive, and assertive. As important as all levels of personality were for marital satisfaction, Neuroticism was the biggest factor. “As predicted, Neuroticism was detrimental for the trajectory of marital satisfaction…Neuroticism, a prominent component of both personality pathology and common forms of clinical disorders, is therefore central to the quality of one of the most important social relationships in a person’s life. It may be that individuals with high levels of Neuroticism engage in behaviors that lead to reduced marital quality (e.g., self-defeating statements, disinterest in shared activities) and that this decline in marital quality increases the prevalence of self-defeating thoughts, feelings, and behaviors characteristic of Neuroticism.” Changes in life circumstances that increase neuroticism or personality changes that increase neuroticism will most certainly decrease marital satisfaction.
O’Meara MS, South SC. Big Five personality domains and relationship satisfaction: Direct effects and correlated change over time. J Pers. 2019 Dec;87(6):1206-1220.
Disney, Weinstein, and Oltmanns found that “divorce rates increased with higher levels of Paranoid and Histrionic Personality Disorder (PD) symptoms in our community sample of middle-aged adults…Previous research has shown that individuals with multiple divorces exhibit higher global levels of distress, anxiety, and paranoid ideation than individuals who have divorced one time or not at all, although this finding held only for females and not for males. The increased rate of divorce in second marriages is congruent with the notion that PD symptoms involved in the dissolution of a first marriage will likely contribute to the dissolution of a second or third, due to the chronic and pervasive nature of PD symptomatology…The presence of Paranoid and Histrionic PD symptoms was positively associated with the number of divorces, consistently across all three sources of personality assessment…In terms of the relationships between specific types of PDs and marital dissolution. Borderline PD in particular has been connected to low relationship satisfaction, marital distress, separation, and divorce; Antisocial PD is also associated with these negative outcomes. The association between these two disorders and marital interruption may be produced by the emotional lability, angry hostility, and impulsivity seen in both disorders. The interpersonal nature of the other PDs may also present barriers to intimacy and healthy relationships, however, and the impact on divorce is most likely not limited solely to Borderline and Antisocial PD. Rather, the wealth of findings attributed to ASPD and BPD may simply reflect the disproportionate amount of attention that they have received in the research literature.”
Regardless of diagnosis, strong negative emotions have a detrimental impact nonetheless. “Individuals with Paranoid PD symptoms are hyper-sensitive to insults, both real and imagined. These patterns of perception and behavior create chronic tension that diminishes the social networks of paranoid individuals. Confirmatory factor analysis has shown that the construct of Paranoid PD consists of two factors: suspiciousness and hostility, both of which may hinder an intimate, trusting relationship. In addition, consistent and frequent negative appraisals, along with the maladaptive attitudes documented with Paranoid PD are also likely to interfere in the building and rapport of a long-term romantic relationship…Histrionic PD symptoms were also associated with an increased occurrence of marital dissolution. When a romantic partner displays chronic self-centeredness, attention-seeking behavior, inappropriate sexual seductiveness, exaggerated theatricality, and rapidly shifting and shallow emotions, it follows that the levels of equality and reciprocity of a healthy intimate relationship suffer. Histrionic PD is associated with strong feelings of closeness toward multiple people, to a pathological extent. This widespread closeness with others may pose a threat to the marital bond if one spouse is consistently searching for and experiencing intimacy in a nonselective fashion with other individuals. Additionally, the sexual seductiveness associated with Histrionic PD can manifest itself in the behavioral form of inappropriate flirting or in becoming disconsolate when one is not the center of attention. Because monogamy is generally considered to be a core component of traditional matrimony, extramarital flirtatiousness and other attention-seeking symptoms associated with Histrionic PD can interfere with marriage longevity.” To not get too confused, many personality disorders are co-morbid and there is considerable debate over the differences. Jessica Schrader says that “in its present-day iteration, the symptoms of histrionic personality disorder are in some ways very similar to narcissism to the point that some researchers believe the two to be virtually indistinguishable.” So depending on how early on a person detects these undesirable qualities, it means that you can’t divorce a person you never marry, and so they don’t enter those statistics.
Two Warning Signs That Your Relationship May Not Last – Jessica Schrader: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201306/two-warning-signs-your-relationship-may-not-last
Depending on how enticing a person is, some personality disorders can be selected out before a marriage because tendencies can be seen immediately. Trojan Horse methods of reward followed by punishment allow for marriages to start and the end. “Histrionic traits may be particularly appealing and charming in the beginning stages of a relationship, but then may become difficult to live with over time, leading to a cyclical pattern of marriage and divorce. In comparison, Borderline traits are presumably off-putting rather than appealing earlier on in a relationship. These behaviors could easily lead to divorce, but may be less likely than Histrionic symptoms to generate a series of marriages.” One has to be charmed or fooled into marriage. This is why social pressures to marry without checking for compatibility and feeling with one’s own body is a recipe for disaster. One doesn’t really know an intimate partner until they have seen them dealing with stress or boredom. Marriages cannot be based on peak experiences, and just because marriages stay together, it doesn’t mean that they are happy either. People tolerate low vibrations because they think they can’t do any better or they refuse to live alone. “An individual high on Avoidant PD symptoms may prefer to stay married to a partner, perhaps even unhappily so, rather than attempt to navigate a new social circle and marital status identity. Avoidant PD is also associated with a reluctance to criticize others, which could assist in maintaining a romantic relationship…It may be very difficult for individuals with Avoidant PD to go through with a divorce; rather, they may prefer to ‘keep the peace’ by keeping the marriage intact, satisfaction levels notwithstanding.”
Disney KL, Weinstein Y, Oltmanns TF. Personality disorder symptoms are differentially related to divorce frequency. J Fam Psychol. 2012 Dec;26(6):959-65.
South SC, Boudreaux MJ, Oltmanns TF. The Impact of Personality Disorders on Longitudinal Change in Relationship Satisfaction in Long-Term Married Couples. J Pers Disord. 2020 Aug;34(4):439-458
The importance of personality disorders, especially ones that increase conflict in a marriage, is not lost on divorce lawyers Minyard-Morris. “It is logical to conclude that individuals with one of these personality disorders divorce more often than do the remaining portion of the population. Considering the NIH statistics, the overall percentage of the population with a personality disorder together with the fact that people with a personality disorder often divorce more than once, there is a fairly significant chance that one party or the other in a divorce has a personality disorder. If you are planning to file for divorce and are in the process of selecting a divorce attorney, it may be helpful to understand how personality disorders may impact divorces and the likely conduct of people with these disorders. You may want to consider working with a lawyer who has at least a basic knowledge of personality disorders and practices law strategically.” Even if divorces are stressful, people with coping skills have the best chances of improving afterwards. Those with personality characteristics of neuroticism, and who don’t have good coping skills, are not likely to be that happy after a marriage is over because their internal dynamics are the reason for their unhappiness.
Personality Disorders and Divorce – Minyard-Morris: https://www.minyardmorris.com/media-center/articles/personality-orders-and-divorce/
For Better or for Worse: The Mental Health Effects of Divorce – Charlie Health: https://www.charliehealth.com/research/divorce-mental-health
Linda J. Waite, Ye Luo, Alisa C. Lewin, Marital happiness and marital stability: Consequences for psychological well-being, Social Science Research, Volume 38, Issue 1, 2009, Pages 201-212
One of the bright spots of shining a light on Cluster B personality disorders, in particular, is that the consequences of bad relationships can motivate the personality disordered to get help. Sometimes that’s the only motivation that will work. “Twenge and Campbell (2009) estimate that in the last two decades the prevalence of Narcissistic PD has more than doubled in the United States, and that 1 in 16 individuals have some components of significant NPD traits. This finding was unique for two reasons: First, not only is it very rare for NPD spectrum individuals to enroll and participate in treatment but also the concerns that brought them there in the first place were unexpected given the nature of this condition. These issues included loneliness, distress, poor social functioning, inability of others to meet their needs, divorce, unemployment, and subsequent depression.” Some of the reasons for this problem is that the increase of narcissism is not sustainable in the long run. In The Narcissism Epidemic, the reasons for this increase are parents raising their kids like they are royalty, despite the fact that the rest of the population cannot tolerate their demands. Modern media blasts celebrity news, lavish lifestyles, etc., but the cost of imitating these people is also imitating their personality disorders. “The host of the nationally syndicated radio show Loveline, Pinsky cornered 200 of his celebrity guests and gave them the Narcissistic Personality Inventory, the same questionnaire used in almost all of the research on narcissism. Pinsky and his coauthor Mark Young found that celebrities scored significantly higher on narcissism than the average person.”
When you add the rise of social media, where posts about a person’s lifestyle are regularly rewarded with likes and positive comments, and maybe even negative comments that confirm envy, you find people ever more conditioned towards narcissism. As the negative effects become more and more apparent, cultures will have to swing back to something more authentic. “A disease model of narcissism gives a picture of how narcissism might grow and spread. Diseases need specific conditions to become epidemic: a host (a person or group who has the disease), a means of transmission (a way for the disease to move from one person to another), and a new host (a person or group who catches the disease).” These telltale signs are eventually detected earlier and earlier so as to allow the withholding of rewards, as a vaccine or prophylactic, or the rewards become more tailored towards sustainable behaviors. “For many diseases, quarantine is the first line of defense. We are not nutty enough to suggest narcissist internment camps, but quarantine seems to occur naturally. Narcissistic people eventually become isolated from their families, friends, and professional colleagues as their self-centeredness becomes apparent. Narcissism still thrives, however, because these isolated narcissists go on to find new lives to mess up. A natural quarantine might occur if it became more difficult for narcissists to start relationships or get hired.” Parenting models would also have to change. When parents begin to develop the skills of their children to scientifically see what happens, instead of basking in future-faking and dreams of grandeur, then realistic outcomes would be expected. Stable marriages that provide examples of emotional stability would also reduce the more conditioned variants of narcissism, as well as other aggressive personality disorders.
The New Elephant in the Room: Why All Professionals Need to Learn About Personality Disorders – Bill Eddy: https://highconflictinstitute.com/personality-disorders/the-new-elephant-in-the-room-personality-disorders/
The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement – W. Keith Campbell, Jean M. Twenge: https://www.isbns.net/isbn/9781416575993/
I’m 51. I Avoid People Now. Here’s Why… The Life of Bryan Show: https://youtu.be/3AA-_Je7JZM?si=pxKnZuFNqGXxkLT_
Gaslight (1944) Official Trailer – Charles Boyer, Ingrid Bergman Movie: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ToLfQU2xmg
Even if biological sources of pathology cannot be rooted out so easily, the area of socialization can be slowly amended over time to reduce the impact of compulsion on each generation. At some point, cultures realize that there is a rot that is preventing success and procreation. “The continuity and stability of cultural groups depend largely on the success with which their young are imbued with common beliefs and customs. To retain what has been wrought through history, each group must devise ways of molding its children to ‘fit in,’ that is, to accept and perpetuate the system of prohibitions and sanctions that earlier group members have developed to meet the persistent tasks of life. All infants undergo a process of ‘socialization’ by which they learn to progressively surrender their impulsive and naïve behaviors and to regulate or supplant them with the rules and practices of their group. Despite the coerciveness of this process and the loss of personal freedom that it entails, children learn, albeit gradually, that there are many rewards for cooperative and sharing behaviors. Societal rules enable them to survive, to predict the behaviors of others, to obtain warmth and security, and to learn acceptable strategies for achieving the rich and diverse rewards of life. It is important to recognize, then, that the traditions of a culture provide its members with a shared way of living by which basic needs are fulfilled for the greater majority with minimal conflict and maximal return…For many children the process of cultural training and inculcation is far from ideal; methods by which societal rules and regulations are transmitted by parents often are highly charged and erratic, entailing affection, persuasion, seduction, coercion, deception, and threat. Feelings of stress, anxiety, and resentment may be generated within the young, leaving pathological residues that are perpetuated and serve to distort their future relationships.”
In Personality Disorders in Modern Life, some of the rewards of competition have their downsides. The emotional intensity of competition can lead to perfectionism so that any real successes are disregarded or downplayed, and only the next stage is looked upon with any eagerness. Endless upward comparisons prevent a true assessment of progress. Competitive attitudes also ignore the probabilities of success. In many arenas, for example being a successful concert pianist, with a lucrative recording contract, is less likely to be achieved than being a manager in a store. Advertising and programming may treat celebrity status as common, because they are commonly viewed on screens of all kinds, but in reality those positions are rare and saturated immediately. It’s not likely that 3 billion people can occupy content on screens without splitting their audiences to non-existent ratings. That ruthless competition is hidden behind the scenes. Ask yourself, in any form of sales, popular suggestions, Instagram facades, do you ever see the downsides of competition commonly mentioned? Many people who find themselves in over their heads find that the stress of some positions much higher than any rewards. Those who gradually move up the ladder, only do so with realistic assessments of their skills and abilities. Even worse, many people who study happiness eventually find that acquisitions of the famous are only temporarily satisfying and in many cases regular people can live just fine without them. Enough experiences of acquisition and boredom can train one to see that another acquisition will not permanently satisfy. Someone who is capable of making their consciousness peaceful and happy through the arts of spirituality and meditation can create their own rewards, leaving the ambitious not able to square the circle with the required work necessary to own expensive properties and vehicles.
Personality Disorders in Modern Life – Theodore Millon, Carrie M. Millon, Sarah E. Meagher, Seth D. Grossman, Rowena Ramnath: https://www.isbns.net/isbn/9780471237341/
Home Alone
Considering the abundance of obstacles to conventional well-being and successful marriages, it makes sense that being alone is becoming more sought after. In Going Solo, many people decide that “living alone [can be] a form of self-protection, [which] typically means establishing one’s home as a sanctuary in the city, one that facilitates solitude and self-discovery…Some [singles] acknowledged that they’d sought out a place of their own to avoid toxic relationships, or to escape from a community that took more than it gave…For those with financial security, a busy schedule, and a dense social network, living alone can be productive because it offers access to privacy, restoration, and personal development…Those who purposely use their domestic space as an oasis from their busy, stressful work lives report that it is a regenerative, not an isolating experience…” Having alone time allows one to “confront feelings, and [use the time] to think about where [they are] heading and whether [they are] living the way [they] want.” Many people need this time to discover their authentic interests and shed family and cultural expectations so as to find out who they are before they die, as well as figuring out what a person wants authentically for a relationship. For others it’s about energy, because some jobs are so taxing that people want to enjoy “the peace of coming home and not having to interact anymore, having a chance to decompress.”
Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone – Eric Klinenberg: https://www.isbns.net/isbn/9780143122777/
I’m 51. I Avoid People. Part 2! The Life of Bryan Show: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jm6ybuKRqZg
Things to Come – Official Trailer – IFC Films: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CiT9mmMrIak
Living authentically creates self-fulfillment and in the end improves any intimate relationships that appear afterwards. Solo time allows people to heal from toxic relationships so that internal rewards can be found again if they were lost after years of neglect. Newsletters, like Solo Living, remind people to refamiliarize with their internal compass. “How do you know if you are living authentically? According to the ‘self-concordance theory,’ the most important thing we can do to become our true self is to pursue the goals that are right for us. If we choose wrongly–if we pursue goals that do not reflect who we really are, what we care about, and what we are good at—then even if we achieve those goals, we are not going to feel happy or fulfilled…Are you the kind of person who springs into action immediately or do you take time to pay attention to how you are feeling? Research suggests that people who are more mindful in this way are more likely to pursue goals that are consistent with who they really are…Similarly, people who ‘follow their gut’ rather than trying to be overly rational may also do better at choosing the goals and plans that are right for them.”
Solo Living: https://wearesololiving.com/single-and-living-authentically-pursue-goals-that-are-right-for-you/
Psychology: https://psychreviews.org/category/psychology01/