Male Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

After completing the last composite interview with some female victims of narcissistic abuse, I was skeptical I was going to get any men to talk about their experiences. Abuse lurks in the dark and I knew that with the wave of #Metoo, that narcissistic women would be out of the spotlight for an extended period of time. From my personal experience the disorder looks quite similar between men and women. They may manifest slightly differently, but they all involve the cycle of abuse where rewards and punishments are adjusted to control the victim.

Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

I decided to persist in my requests and eventually a slow trickle of men came forward. I was also proud of some of the women who supported the men in speaking out. It was a nice reminder that this isn’t a man vs. woman issue. It’s partially a cultural issue, where society rewards narcissistic behaviour in order to exploit narcissists for economic gain, then narcissists in turn feel the need to exploit others to quench their resentment. When a world view is that of exploitation, it makes sense that people will not trust others and will have an agenda to exploit before they get exploited.

The problem with equality between people in a relationship is that part of the brain finds equality boring and wants to “win”. As soon as someone metaphorically pushes their weight around and says “I win”, the loser’s need to find revenge keeps the relationship in toxic territory. The narcissist can’t abide losing so their surrounding partners and friends have to be subordinates, with the natural consequence of those subordinates being devalued.

As before, this interview will be a composite person disguised to protect the interviewers from being stalked by their ex’s. Narcissists have no boundaries and look at their ex’s as pieces of property where the ownership is permanent. Their attitude of rights is always a double standard. If you want to see a perfect example of this, you can watch the extra documentary on the late actor Steve McQueen from the Bullitt Blu-ray. His ex’s are thought of as similar to his collection of toys in his airport hangar.

There are natural patterns in this type of abuse, but all victims have some slight differences. Some are still entangled in divorce proceedings, and others are mostly recovered and living the life they want to live. The takeaway I have from both of these interview projects is that Narcissists are so damaged that being aware of their problem doesn’t stop their behaviour. They fail to learn from past relationship mistakes. Abusing people is more rewarding to them because sadism is all they can enjoy. They are bored with healthy relationships. They don’t know what to do with them.

For the target it’s almost like falling in love with someone who isn’t there. What is missing in their personality, namely positive empathy, victims happily supply with their own projections. This is until the abuse is too strong to tolerate. When they let them go, it’s like trying to remove a disease or to fight cancer. Like in the ending to the movie Annihilation, the narcissist mimics you, dominates you and then annihilates you. Then they move onto the next target. This type of evil is hard to understand because the motivations lack that full human hunger for peace and wholeness.

The behaviour is relentless and ongoing so that you think the façade personality (image control) is the real personality. Once you get to know the narcissist it ends up being more like an android that pushes your buttons constantly, but now you are aware of the software and what it does. Having outrage towards someone who isn’t on your empathy level and never will be, gives you emotional distance. It is like you were having a relationship with a computer simulation with a limited program. Maybe all it can do is walk back-in-forth in the video game, or in the case of the Narcissist, all it can do is the Cycle of Abuse. The stressful need to talk sense into them dies away. You find relief just the same as realizing that it is futile to yell at your computer. Narcissists are just going to repeat the same programs on a loop.

Like in Anthony De Mello’s The Way to Love: Meditations for Life, both partners have to relinquish the need to treat their partners as instrumental. His example is to just look at how you love your partner, then to imagine them behaving in ways you don’t like. The temptation to instrumentally control is very strong. Everyone does this, but narcissists always do this. They can’t let go of the control. As the partner feels suffocated the relationship becomes toxic.

The victims are ultimately left with a damaged self where they don’t recognize who they are. The goal then becomes to reengage in hobbies and interests to regain that sense of home and familiarity. It is true that our homes are really in our habits and personalities. To destroy a home, you don’t need to burn a house down, you just need to condition a person out of their character.

For this composite interview, please imagine a man who’s seen the light, but finds it painful to go back to those memories of wasted years and a wasted self. The [brackets] are my thoughts and comments.

How did you meet your ex?

We met in university. At first I had a crush and was too shy to let her know. She appeared to be the exact woman I wanted. She was assertive and intelligent. As I got to talk to her more, she seemed to resonate with what I liked. We both enjoyed art, and she always agreed with my taste and would recommend art gallery exhibits that matched our preferences. Now I actually know that was a red flag for mirroring.

[Mirroring is a method of increasing attraction by removing argument and agreeing and validating all the desires of a target. This is actually something that should be done with children to initially develop a self, but after the child matures, they need optimum frustrations to train them for the world. This way the child engages in risk while still believing they are loved even when they fail. The narcissist didn’t receive this when they were young. As an adult they have an attenuated self that stays at this level until they get effective therapy.]

One thing led to another. When the attraction was strong, she would play hard to get. I was so turned on! After a few months we finally made out. In hindsight I can see that she was stringing me out to see how much I would tolerate from her.

What did you like about her?

I felt like I could talk to her about anything, including my past drug addiction. Of course, now I know that she was just trying to get compromising information about me. I also found her challenging in a good way, but she could disappear for periods of time without talking to me. The pleasure was also in part trying to conquer and reconquer each other. I later learned that this is what psychologists call intermittent reinforcement, which hooks you similar to gambling machines! Lots of rewards in the beginning with progressively less rewards and more punishments and disconnection as time goes on. I think she knew how it worked more intuitively than from deliberate study.

How did she eventually hurt you?

Like I said before about my drug addiction, she was secretly telling family that I was still having struggles. This wasn’t true and thanks to my addictions counsellor I’ve been drug free for years. She also accused me of infidelity.

I wasn’t privy to her behaviour at first, I just noticed that my family was asking concerned questions about how I was doing, and her friends would look at me with contempt.

The happy times didn’t resurface as much. She would always blame me for anything wrong in her life. I was walking on eggshells, but I kept the memory of those early passionate times. When a wave of exhausting abuse happened, then it would get more peaceful. Sometimes I got a glimpse of her passionate side when she talked about art. Though I could tell it wasn’t as passionate as in the past.

I thought a vacation would bring back some of that passion. This was one of the biggest mistakes I made in that relationship. We went to Italy and fought over everything from the packing to the logistics to get to different attractions. She really went off the rails when we were in this club in Rome. We met up with some other vacation couples and we barhopped together. I noticed that she was really flirting with this Spanish guy. He was flattered, but looked concerned. I gave her a private talking to thinking she was just drunk, but it was just the beginning. She kept trying to get alone with him, and then I did the same with another girl. Eventually I saw her run out with tears on her face and anger. I thought she was angry at me for flirting with this other woman, but I think in hindsight I could see that her false mask was seen through by this Spanish guy and she looked too desperate for him to be interested.

When we got home we saw a counsellor. I read everything I could about good marriages. She didn’t agree with the counsellors, and when I recommended marriage books to her she would give a look of disinterest and change the subject.

As this was going on I was noticing that she was criticizing all my friend choices at home and I was lonely. My choice of friends was always a flaw in my character. I was dropping friends, but she didn’t do the same with her friends. I know now that was because she wanted to isolate me. What she said to my face was always about our goals and starting a family, but behind my back she was saying I was a drug abuser and a cheater. This is when things got really bad with my health. Without friends who can remind you of who you are, you start becoming conditioned. People don’t realize the value of friends and how they can be counter-conditioning in abusive relationships.

I was feeling less and less assertive. This was due to her constant jabs that started with “you are…weak, not strong, not a real man, insecure, stupid.” The conditioning happens slowly but then you find that you are completely emasculated. You lose your sense of competence and pride. She had unrelenting standards to such a point that I began to doubt myself about any task. That’s when the PTSD started kicking in. You can even feel it in your prostate!

How did you escape?

There were times when she kicked me out and I was so weak I would plead to have her let me back in. At the time I was unhealthy mentally. I felt I was the problem with the relationship, but if she let me back in, even if she was spewing hatred, it meant she still cared enough to keep the relationship going. I was still in denial and felt that I could right all the wrongs of the relationship. I didn’t understand like I do now that she is missing that ability to self-develop. I was wasting my time.

When it finally dawned on me that it was all a game and that I was giving love to an unresponsive person, and that she would always be unresponsive, I had to talk to professionals. Counsellors got me to learn as much as I could about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I talked to a lawyer about her slander. I brought him all her loving text messages that didn’t match her horrendous stories about me to her friends and my family. I called the police with this and told them that she was harassing me. The officer questioned her and caught her in lies. She was told not to contact my friends or family again. They were so shocked that I wasn’t this bad guy when they saw the text messages.

My family allowed me to stay with them until I could get a new place for myself.

How are you doing now?

I’m much better now. Probably 95% to where I was before. I don’t believe I’ll ever be better than that until I meet the right woman. At times I feel I don’t trust people like I used to. You can’t be the same afterwards. You’re aware that not all people should be taken into your confidence and you can become hypervigilant.

My counsellor said that I’m recovering faster than expected after all those years of gaslighting [lies and narratives to make the victim doubt their sanity]. I journal a lot. It helps me keep my sanity and reflect what I know to be true. I can trust myself again.

With all that isolation I also didn’t exercise very much. Exercise these past months has helped me enormously.

I learned from my counsellor not to give so much into a relationship without getting the same treatment in return. With these new boundary skills I hope to attract a woman that will love me as I am.

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I would like to say thank you to the interviewees who were willing talk about something that is painful and could be embarrassing when exposed to people who would make fun. While working on this project I definitely had a playlist that fit well for the different scenarios that victims get stuck in. Especially Radiohead’s A Moon Shaped Pool.

For those undergoing a smear campaign:

http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107858649661/

For those going through a divorce:

http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107859525948/

For those who still miss their abuser:

http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107859525950/

For those who need to reestablish their identity:

http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107859426522/

Especially for those survivors who learned the insight from Richard Ashcroft’s Lucky Man, that “all the love I have is in my mind!”