One of the things I noticed during my last post on Narcissistic Abuse, focusing on Males especially, was how much vitriol there was between many men and women over their relationships outside of this narrow topic. The bitterness I witnessed was a confusion, and conflation, of feminism and narcissistic abuse. Women have complained about abuse from men for a long time, and legitimately so. Men are also now complaining about the same abuse from women when they abuse their power, but I feel like their concerns are missing the target and focusing on the tribalism of us versus them.
To label or not to label
The inaccuracy ignores the relationships that are working well. There are men and women who have it together with their marriage, and there are also patterns of abuse that transcend the sexes. To look at that further I continued the project with people who are sexually non-conforming. I was struggling with which acronyms to use and after using LGBTIQ, I got one response where a woman felt that she didn’t want to be labeled, which reminded me that the fluidity of sexuality breaks through labels because people want their sexuality to be intrinsically motivated and not forced into a particular label. It was just another labeling mistake, like comparing male and female narcissists. We all need to target the individual with the behaviour, not the general label.
Universal impact
This project again confirmed that the tactics of abuse are universal, but the impact for victims is personal. By being personal, it can create the illusion of exclusivity, when in fact this abuse is common, and the results usually involve grieving, and C-PTSD. When locked into a domestic violence relationship, for example, it can be a world away in one home with hell, and heaven in another. When abuse is familiar it can be normalized, but the way to escape is to “make the unfamiliar familiar”, as Marisa Peer suggests when people want to achieve new goals, to create a new life safe from abuse, until it becomes familiar.
Composite interview
The following interview was made with the help of three interviewees and the results were altered into a composite, for anonymity. The questions are the same as before and the results are unmistakable. Abusers use pleasant experiences to confuse victims so that they tolerate the abuse. The way the mind works is that it can latch onto remembrances that were good and get hooked before the mind can add to the weigh scales all the bad experiences also in memory. Victims have to stop and wait when there is temptation to return to the abuser, and then forcefully imagine the bad experiences to create a healthy disenchantment. This ambivalence comes back again and again, and requires constant focus on the con side of the pros and cons of going back to the abuser.
How did you meet your ex?
We met on a lesbian dating site.
What did you like about her?
She was charming, and seemed to care so much about me. She made me feel very beautiful. She was also gorgeous and very funny. She was a lover and a best friend. Looking back I can see the red flags of it being too good to be true. I don’t know if this is important for your interview, but I was more feminine, and she was more masculine.
How did she eventually hurt you?
There were so many incidents. She had a girlfriend at the time we met, and she essentially cheated on her with me until her ex couldn’t take it anymore. Ultimately she did the same thing with me.
I eventually got access to her phone and found out that she had lots of affairs with other women. She always had an excuse, a manipulation, a threat, or a repeat of our romance like when the relationship started. It was like a washing machine on repeat.
I knew that I would have to end it because she was going to keep doing the same thing. While trying to end the relationship numerous times, she hit me several times, and one time she forced me to have sex.
How did you escape?
It happened only a couple of months ago. I was livid when she brought over her supposed “cousin” but it was just another one of her affairs. This time I needed a police intervention. I didn’t want to be one of two…or three or four. When she apologized, and blamed that her excessive love “made her do it”, I dropped the charges.
When I dropped the charges the cheating returned, and so did the abuse when I complained. She definitely has a paranoid, jealous streak in her after I supposedly “betrayed” her. The abuse got worse as if it was a punishment for trying to end the relationship.
The second time I pressed charges I didn’t drop them. Unfortunately her lawyer brought up my attempted suicide which prevented me from testifying. The charges were dropped! It was true I attempted suicide, but it was after a particular brutal beating from her that caused it.
How are you doing now?
I’m learning lessons day by day. The insights just pop up. I still have flashbacks with cravings for her. I still feel addicted to her. I miss her at times, but then I remind myself of the abuse. It forces me to accept that she was just using me for sex, or as a trophy to show off to her friends, and to do her chores for her. She never really cared about me.
There are times when I imagine we are back together with no cheating, but it’s clear that she won’t stop. It’s a good thing that I’m pressing charges and not caving. It means that there’s no turning back now that she’s angry.
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Thank you to the participants! May you heal and recover your soul.
The below song was in my mind where the lyrics can be interpreted in different ways, like “domestic” violence with British occupying Northern Ireland, but it served well that it was a victim talking back to an abuser and processing the damage.
Ultimate confidence by Marisa Peer: https://www.isbns.net/isbn/9781847441386/
Psychology: https://psychreviews.org/category/psychology01/