After watching the frightening and hilarious Midsommar by Ari Aster, I was left with the feeling that I just saw a satirical movie about how difficult it is to change the cruelty of the world. Men and Women are in separate tribes and feel used. When people are no longer of any use, like the elderly, they are expendable. The younger generation sees what’s wrong in society but are powerless to change it. They are either scapegoated or co-opted, or they end up in squabbles that predated their generation. If things are too difficult to handle, then just take an intoxicant to forget about it. Even the attempts to help people can be ways we trap ourselves with abusers by staying too long. The human community resembles a cult that regenerates itself with its rituals. Crimes are covered up in tradition and each new generation is conditioned to accept the culture as it is. When they are old enough they can start to question what they see, but they have a long road ahead in order to take their own power.
Each individual has to find their own way to independence in the confusion. Yet, the characters in the movie are more pathological than the general population. Like in other horror movies, the behaviour is exaggerated for effect, and it resembles the behaviour of psychopaths and narcissists. Creating that playful tension where “there is no way out” is one of the effective tactics of horror filmmakers, but abusers also use this tactic in a less playful way on their victims. It’s up to the victim to change the script. Reality isn’t a movie. People really do get out and find a modicum of freedom. There is help in the community to remove people from toxic relationships.
I thought it would be interesting to find out how victims escaped these real life situations and ask them what their life looks like on the other side. I interviewed some victims who did escape, and the below interview is a composite of different interviewees off Facebook recovery groups. The big lesson I learned was how we idealize others and that weakness is exploited by abusers who are good at making themselves attractive on first meetings. What we don’t see behind the façade is that unless they offer more love and mental peace than what we have right now, it’s actually a downgrade. Happiness cannot possibly be found if we don’t have any measures for what happiness is for us. If we just choose what everyone else chooses, or even randomly, the results may not reflect what we want. Our freedom to control our time and our energy is precious and can only be shared with people who support it. Abusers drain that energy and one of the highlights that victims feel when they escape is that energy returning. If we lived in a world without basic rights and protections the world we live in would be like the movie.
Midsommar trailer: https://youtu.be/1Vnghdsjmd0
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For this interview I have two composite characters, one man and one woman. I’ll call them Zach and Rachel. They both got out of toxic relationships and have some difficult memories, but not without some sense of humour. Hindsight is 20/20, so the interviewees had a lot of insight. In the beginning when victims and abusers are striking up a relationship it can be foggy, but after the relationship is over, victims can remember in great detail what the red flags were and how they were missed.
How did you get trapped by the narcissist or psychopath?
Rachel: He seemed so lovely, said all the right things, and treated me like a princess. He was very good at pretending to be the perfect guy. Thinking back to prior relationships, I feel that I trusted a lot of people. It was just the way I was.
Zach: For me, I moved in with my ex too quickly.
Part of the difficulty for victims is navigating the impressions that one has about a person and finding variances in their behaviour compared to how abusers present themselves. It creates confusion in the victim as they are forced to put on the investigator hat to make sense of it all.
What was the hardest trap to get through?
R: It was trying to understand that the real him was the horrible nasty him. The perfect guy was just an act. That man didn’t exist. It was so hard to grasp!
Z: Yeah that’s Gaslighting! They always have plausible and not so plausible excuses, but you accept them because fighting is exhausting. You think the problem will go away, but of course it doesn’t.
What are the narcissist’s or psychopath’s weaknesses?
R: That see sawing back and forth between perfect and nasty is because they can’t keep up the charade for too long. When he didn’t get what he wanted, the real him came out.
Z: After awhile the excuses don’t add up and can’t be explained. That’s when you can call them on their bullshit!
R: My ex also had addictions and anger issues. Over time, the experience of the perfect guy becomes more rare.
What were your weaknesses?
R: The big problem with me was actually what people would say is a good trait and that is that I’m a nice person. I kept believing I could make him better if I loved him more. It causes a lot of damage because you end up staying in the relationship for much too long.
Z: My problem was not calling out the bullshit even sooner! When you look back you realize that you glossed over a lot of excuses that didn’t add up from the get go.
How were you able to get free?
R: It finally sunk in that he was never going to change. I gave him so many chances but I had to go to the Domestic Violence Center and also talk to the Police.
Z: I got free by going into what’s referred to as an “empathic supernova” by HG Tudor. You shut down and you can’t keep giving. You’re numb. Then you get angry and start to fight back. The relationship had to end. I had to rely on my resourcefulness and I felt a kind of divine Grace that set me a path away from her. I learned that my meltdown was just something for her to feed off of and stopped giving her a reaction. I learned about narcissism and no contact and I planned on getting out.
Empathic Supernova – HG Tudor: https://narcsite.com/2016/12/13/the-empathic-supernova/
Did you need any help from others?
Z: Oh yeah I actually got a lot of support. I didn’t need counseling and I learned enough about narcissism on my own. I was able to piece it all together.
R: Along with the Domestic Violence Center and the Police, I was able to get support from family and friends.
How did you feel when you got free?
R: I was exhilarated, but also terrified. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I felt that I could breathe and do whatever I wanted without feeling like I was walking on eggshells.
Z: I’m living a much better life now that I’m free of her. I’m completely self aware and anyone trying to manipulate me gets shut down very quickly due to what I’ve learned during my time with her.
Happy – Pharrell Williams: https://youtu.be/ZbZSe6N_BXs
What kind of life can you live now that the narcissist or psychopath has limited or no influence on you?
R: Like I said before, I can do what I want. It’s not always big things, but I have some peace and quiet joys. The point is, is that my life is all mine. I will never again compromise that for anyone.
Z: I just focused on my career and getting my independence back. My finances were destroyed because of her.
What is your message to someone who is currently in a bad romantic relationship or employment relationship with a narcissist or psychopath?
R: Get help from your family, friends, Police, or whoever you need to. Get away…but be safe. The most dangerous time is when they know they’re losing you. You’ll benefit by planning an exit strategy because the situation will NOT improve. It’s better if you have a support system. Reach out to them and document everything.
Z: I agree with Rachel. For those who have to deal with it in the workplace I would just say that the juice isn’t worth the squeeze my friend! If they’re a boss at work and you can’t move jobs for some reason, keep as little personal interaction with them as possible. All in all, just keep them out of your life as much as possible.
What do you do to prevent narcissists and psychopaths from reentering your life?
Z: Ha ha ha ha! Other than having an exorcist, or Ghostbusters on your contact list? Just follow No Contact. Cut off all connection with them.
R: They’ll try to get back into your life, and you may have to tolerate some contact because you had children together. At that point you have to do Grey Rock and learn to be non-reactive to their provocations. I’m lucky that way that I didn’t have kids with him. If you don’t need your ex at all then ignore any new attempts at contact. It really works and it teaches you what you are choosing when you get involved with these characters. If you have a choice then choose to stay away from them.
Z: I also didn’t date again until I was sure that I could hold any new partners accountable.
R: If you don’t, you’ll go through that cycle all over again! Also, if you can move far away, that will help. Some of them will stalk you.
Stalking: https://psychreviews.org/stalking/
Z: You start learning to love and trust yourself because you’re designing your life now. You lead yourself instead of following others. When you’re healthy you ask questions about your own self-interest instead of getting infatuated. All that stress creates a radar inside of you. You start noticing much faster who you are dealing with and it’s easier to cut ties before you invest yourself emotionally again. It’s not worth it.
Psychology: https://psychreviews.org/category/psychology01/